Reflections from 2023
A raven perched on a cedar tree in Cypress Mountain Resort on the unceded territory of the Coast Salish people including the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations. Ravens often represent ancient wisdom, intelligence and transformation.
“If happiness is a skill, then sadness is, too. Perhaps through all those years at school, or perhaps through other terrors, we are taught to ignore sadness, to stuff it down into our satchels and pretend it isn’t there. As adults, we often have to learn to hear the clarity of its call. That is wintering. It is the active acceptance of sadness. It is the practice of allowing ourselves to feel it as a need. It is the courage to stare down the worst parts of our experience and to commit to healing them the best we can. Wintering is a moment of intuition, our true needs felt keenly as a knife.”
Katherine May, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times
Despite my best intentions, instead of sharing this in time for the marking of the Gregorian New Year, I decided to honour the few moments of quietude and reflection I stole from the holiday calendar of social engagements and expectations that - even with my 36 years of experience - never seem to feel easeful for my neurodivergent self.
This past year was one of the most difficult yet remarkable years of my life so far. Steeped in grief, fear, enjoyment, enthusiasm and alignment, the year could be understood as bookended by opposite forces. I do not perceive the value of sharing the specifics of what made this year so-called ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but rather wanted to communicate the biggest lesson I learned in hopes it may be of service to you during times of reflection.
The volatility of the year’s experiences left me to embody one feeling or emotion at a time or holding multiple at once in varying quantities often leaving me with a sense of contradiction and discord. For many months, I tried so hard to fix what was wrong and, when I couldn’t do that, I resisted my reality falling into a narrative of falsified victimhood. I often felt like I shouldn’t celebrate this or that because joyousness was misunderstood as dishonest in light of the difficulties I faced.
During an emotional meeting with one of my care providers after months of struggling, I was advised that sometimes, the best thing you can do to care for yourself is to let go of the seemingly unrelenting need to control and find acceptance. As someone who personally and professionally always was the person who needed to find solutions, this was simpler said then done.
Eventually, fate would lead me to have a conversation with one of my teachers, Rebekkah Walker, who recommended, ‘Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times’ by Katherine May. This book resonated with me on so many levels – from my belaboured existence in ‘hustle culture’ to more present occurrences which forced me away from my constant to-do list and fiery asana practice.
So, in spite of the summer heat, I wintered as Katherine May would put it. Night after night, I returned to my practice and within this disciplined routine, I found the softness that I suspect I had always needed. I learned compassion, I learned acceptance and I learned to detach myself from misaligned stories that turn pain into suffering.
In Christopher D. Wallis’s Tantra Illuminated: The Philosophy, History, and Practice of a Timeless Tradition, in an excerpt discussing Śiva, the masculine energy which, in union with Shakti, the feminine energy, create and sustain the universe*, states:
“Śiva means blessing, so when the scriptures say that the world is Śiva, they mean both that it is divine and that it is a blessing. It is in this sense that we can say that reality is intrinsically auspicious, that reality is intrinsically good – not in the sense of good versus bad, rather in the deeper sense that anything can be for a blessing, and every experience offers itself to you as a guru, teaching you something about the deeper pattern.”
What I learned this year was that consistent, compassionate, non-hurried self-study (svādhyāya) is necessary to detach from false narratives that lead to suffering. What I had labelled 'negative' experiences was simply an oversimplification or misinterpretation of my experience. 'Opposites' whether that is Śiva/Shakti, good/bad, light/dark, yin/yang cannot exist without the other and when we resist sitting with what we deem 'bad,' we are disharmonious. Each of us embodies these qualities and it is the honouring of each 'side of the coin' that allows us to live well. This year, I learned so much but most profound was the ability to bear witness and to honour this concept of non-duality.
*The philosophy and cosmology of Śiva and Shakti is much more nuanced than I have explained here. To learn more, please see the resources below.
References and Resources
May, Katherine. 'Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times.' 2020.
Wallis, Christopher D. 'Tantra Illuminated: The Philosophy, History, and Practice of a Timeless Tradition.' Second Edition, 2013.
Doyle, Artemis Emily and English, Bhairav Thomas. 'The Power of Tantra Meditation: 50 Meditations for Energy, Awareness, and Connection.' 2021.
Thornandclaw.com. 'Myth and Folklore: The Symbology and Meaning of Ravens.'
